Five things

  1. Perfect days. I guess we have some semblance of a perfect day in mind when we consider things like what if I quit my job and just did that? what if I quit this so that I have time for that?

  2. The idea of constraints. After 3 years of trying hard to settle somewhere and landing a job, I have come to a conclusion that my days need to be somewhat constrained. parts of it have to be not up to me. There needs to be a certain degree of that in order for me to thrive. It may not be true for everyone, but it is for me. My days cannot be too open. some fair amount of being accountable to someone other than myself helps me be in a certain state of discipline. This may sound odd but I think this fits into some form of worldview I have/grew up with about maturity being the-ability-to-not-always-get-what-we-want-and-be-ok-with-it. It also helps me stay tethered some kinda social contract and that feels healthy, really, because I do sense some ambient nervousness knowing I have a tendency to slip into a certain flavour of isolation. What I am currently (having fun) figuring out though, is the balance of constraint-freedom. There is certainly the x days a week” model in which case I think my sweet spot could be having 3.5 days a week committed as time-not-mine. I’ve also toyed around with the idea of the seasonal model which is very attractive to me because of how I imagine that to afford seasons of deep work in which I am devoted to a thing (in my ideal world-mind), to the inquiry of said thing, and nothing else.

  3. Regarding regrets: Right now, the answer that’s bubbling at the forefront of the regrets precipice is one of : if i do not set aside time to dive into some form of inquiry and let myself tumble deep into the rabbit holes interspersed with divine-interventionist directions, i might truly regret. It feels regretful, really, as I write this I can feel the weight of this sentiment, never fully giving myself the permission to go deep into one thing. I find myself either distracted by scattered thoughts (often a result of procrastination and concepts of opportunity cost/FOMO), or insecurities about something.

  4. Kindness, over intelligence, or wit, or fancy articulations. Today, four months down the road, maybe more, I find myself still thinking about the lady who, with her outstretched hand and soft smile, handed me a rock she picked on the beach, see if this one will do? It warms my heart so much, my thank you feels dwarfed by the immense emotions this simple gesture kicked up in my heart. I received the pebble from her and added it to the bag we were hauling around, already half-filled with pebbles as we pottered around for the last thirty minutes flipping rocks over for other rocks — caressing, holding, comparing, sharing, consulting, discarding — she must have seen us at it while our stash of pebbles grew, and now we have one more.

  5. Generosity, giving it all away.

November 17, 2023